Unintentionally Ignorant Intended Parents

I'll never know what it is like to go through failed IVFs, or to be told that my husband is unable to produce an "army", so my disclaimer is: I don't intend to hurt any feelings.

When I had originally posted on one of the most popular Surrogacy Classifieds, I had no idea of the magnitude of replies. Within a few days I had 50+ emails, all from different walks of life. Some were genuine, some seemed "weird", and some were just--vague. Others seemingly ignored the whole entire post and replied to it anyway. I'm sure these individuals were just withered down, tired from replying and tired of reading posts. It is understandable, but, more often than not it seemed to be a "we are paying you, we want baby"-type of deal. I am not doing a surrogacy to put a down payment on a house or pay off debts (although, let's be honest, I do have my fair share of debts-I AM HUMAN!!). As a doula I could legitimately make the same per month as a standard surrogacy contract would agree to...Nothing about the money aspect of surrogacy is really appealing....I mean, hourly it is pennies on the dollar. (So, for those thinking that surrogacy compensation is the way to go for easy cash...rest assured that, well, it isn't).

If you are reading this and interested in becoming a surrogate, please do NOT give out your real/full name or emails containing them. I made this mistake, and...I'll tell you why. As a doula, within my practice, I feel professionalism is a priority. I remain open, honest and supportive of all questions and give parents and opportunity to reach out to me and to feel comfortable doing so. I guess I felt that Intended Parents were allowed to know this information... There. Are. Crazies. Also, despite many asking for phone numbers, make sure to at least trade a few emails. I have gotten texts at 12:30 AM (not from an earlier time zone!), and many other "weird" instances. I may post about these later.

When posting and deciding to become a surrogate, it is important to assess what types of families you are wanting to work with. Only straight, only Caucasians, African-Americans, Asian-Americans, Gay women/men, single gay/straight...the possibilities are endless. Going into this I also was unaware and felt it wasn't in my jurisdiction to judge someone else's family structure...But, without sounding rude, you MUST feel comfortable with the aspect of what this child will grow up into. There are pros and cons, and until you can trust and feel comfortable with the Intended Parents, Do. Not. Continue. You will be with these people in the most intimate time in your life--and the beginning of the greatest part of theirs. It is important to realize while you have had a child and given birth, this is the first birth experience they will ever have, and, (in my opinion) it should be a pleasant and respectful one (as much as one can assume-all babies, pregnancies and deliveries are different!).

As a surrogate and wanting to achieve a positive experience I had told myself to NOT settle, no matter the price, no matter the location, and after talking with a few couples near and far, I decided I would pause from posting and instead would reply to ads posted by Intended Parents.

Why Were You Interested in Becoming a Surrogate?

To answer this question fully, you must understand what type of background I come from... I am the youngest of three, with 2 sisters 10+ years older than myself. By my preteen years I had been surrounded by birth and babies, with my sisters beginning their families and the beginning of the late-morning TLC "Baby Story" marathons I would have on sick days from school. I had originally aspired to be an OB/GYN and eventually my plans switched to wanting to become a Midwife, and to have my own practice with a smaller overhead and the ability to have a happy and healthy family of my own...One day. Through mindless research and nonsense Googling, I came across advertisements for Egg Donation. Even in my high school years I had become interested in the ability to provide a life. One thing led to another, and soon after I was exposed to information on the option of surrogacy. I was barely in my mid-teens, mind you, and had implanted this thought into my mind. It was then that I knew...After my first born and once I turned 21, I would provide this nearly magical, technologically amazing, completely amazing process of surrogacy. (It wasn't until further research that I realized a surrogate could be BOTH an egg donor AND a surrogate!)
By 18 I had started working for a tech start-up and school paused. So did my aspirations. At the time I was young and needed money to fuel a lavish, new "adult" lifestyle. A new car, a new apartment, fancy designer bags and my addiction to kitchen housewares (I really especially love cooking!). I had lost what I truly wanted.
Push came to shove and I knew that had I not gotten out of the industry I was unhappy, but successful in, I would see the dollar-signs and not the passions.
It wasn't shortly after that I had met my daughter's father (my fiance now!). I had been on birth control and conceived my daughter. I had the choices of adoption, abortion or accepting this gift of life. I'm not saying that I'm not pro-choice, because I had the ability to make my decisions...I chose to be the mother that I had always wanted to be. I'm glad my daughter is here today, as she is the light of my life and my greatest accomplishment.
I used a doula for my daughter's birth and became inspired to "fill in the gaps" until continuing my education in correlation to becoming a midwife. Being a doula allows me to get extra cash while spending the remaining hours at home with my daughter. She is on the brink of toddlerhood and grows more and more each day. I love being able to spend time with my daughter, and love being a mother more than anything. To keep this joy to myself would be selfish... I am well and able to produce a healthy baby, a positive pregnancy and a great birth experience. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. As a surrogate I can afford to be at home with my daughter. I am looking forward to the challenge of a toddler and a pregnancy (some say I'm crazy), but in all honesty, there's no better time than now! The compensation will go directly toward continuing my education and beginning a savings and/or Trust for my daughter. Ideally I will also put in place life insurance policies under myself as well as my fiance...We are young enough to begin paying a minimal price for a decent payout.
Being a surrogate means more to me than the money, the attention, the endless amount of food I'll be able to consume...It means giving the gift of life, making mothers and fathers, giving a family to those otherwise unable. It means putting smiles on faces, love in hearts, filling holes of loss with happiness. It means giving a life to a family that is eager, able, wanting, and full of desire. It is my passion for babies, birth and pregnancy that draw me toward surrogacy. To have this ability is the greatest power one can have...To make a life, make a mother, a father, grandparents-a family, to make a bond that will forever be unbroken.
I am looking forward to this journey and hope to remember to post frequently!